Written by By Leighton Jones / Translated by Iris St.Onge

Read that again. And don’t fidget when you’re being dressed-down! Drunk driving is now the number one cause of road deaths in Taiwan. I am disappointed. And you know that that’s worse than me being angry with you.

Modern countries seem to have a way of creating a great dishonor upon those who drink and drive. Nobody gets tarred and feathered, or ostracized, though that level of guilt is shoveled. It is rarely tolerated. But somehow that hasn’t happened here. I don’t think it is acceptable here but is certainly largely ignored. Perhaps mostly by folks who think they can handle their canned heat better than they really can. Even with recent increases in fines, the first half of 2008 still saw a dramatic increase in road deaths due to drunk drivers. From January to June, 402 people were killed by drunks.

The damages. Rumors of judges requiring convicted drunks to play Mahjongg with elderly locals as punishment are oft-heard and untrue. Apart from the guilt, what is gonna happen if you do get caught by the fuzz, drunk at the helm of your nifty fifty? If your breath alcohol content surpasses 0.25 mg/liter you are looking at a fine starting at 15K and going up to 60K. If you beat 0.55 mg/liter the maximum fine goes to 150K and up to a penny in the big house. And that’s according to the Taipei City Police Departments very own website which is a great place to find out what you are not allowed to do here. Ryan, they say you gotta stop doing that thing you do with the belt, the jam and the light bulbs.

So how does it happen? At Kaoliang number how many do we all think we are undefeatable? What goes through the mind of your average drunk as he (or she – chicks make dumb drunks too, remember) pulls out from the curb? To get in an insight we spoke to Malasan (not his real name and not the rock band….those boys are clean) who recently was caught by the po po driving drunk.

H11: What the hell were you thinking?

ML: Same as everyone else. I thought it was the cheapest, easiest, and quickest way to get home. Trust me, it's not the cheapest way home. Drunk driving is pretty accepted in Taiwan. There still isn't much of a social stigma about it, as opposed to western countries where it's really frowned upon. At that time most of my friends would also go out drinking and drive home without thinking twice about it. Fortunately a lot of them have stopped doing this, partially because of my experience.

H11: Where were you, what time was it, what happened?

ML: It was about 5 o'clock in the morning. I was driving down the street when a car parked at the side of the road turned suddenly into the street. I hit just in front of the driver's side door and flew over the front corner of the car. The car didn't even have any lights on. I assumed there was nobody inside so I didn't really pay much attention to it before it turned.

H11: How much damage was there to the vehicles and you?

ML: Only minor damage. The car had a dent and some scratches, and my motorcycle had some minor damage. I had scrapes on my hands, arms, and legs.

H11: How drunk were you?

ML: Drunk. Stinkin' drunk. I blew over twice the legal limit.

H11: How were you treated by the police?

ML: The police were friendly and great, until I had to go to the bathroom. They had me handcuffed to a post and they couldn't find the right key. I couldn't wait any longer so I had to pee in a cup in the middle of the police station. Filled it up two times though.

H11: Two times? Well done! Any lessons learned? Any changes to weekend booze-ups?

ML: Now I either walk or get a taxi to the bars. Besides being dangerous for both the driver and anyone else on the street, it's too damn expensive if you get caught. I'd rather just pay 100 NT for a taxi instead.

In the seventh century Wang Chi wrote about a self-invented land of drunkenness; “The drunken land is located somewhere off the Middle Kingdom. (That sounds like us!) Its vast territory is flat, lacking boundaries, and peaceful (That sounds nothing like us! Unless he was referring to women, limits to drunken stupidity, and that uncomfortable silence when your mom stops her lecture.) So perhaps he was referring to Taiwan, the land of milk and honey, cheap beer, and fun nights out. Go out and enjoy your drunken land! But do it responsibly. For a late night English taxi service call this guy: 0988 234 988.