Written by Leighton Jones / translated by: Eric Lee

As the proverb goes; “In a bet, there is a fool and a thief”. I’m not really a gambler. For me the biggest gamble I take in my daily life is getting on a scooter and trying to get to work. This Taiwanese form of Russian roulette is not without its dangers, yet the return on my bet is indeterminably low. Lose, I become road kill. Win, I make it to work. A completely lose-lose situation really. How else can I legally gamble in Taiwan? I could throw some money at the Taiwanese stock market, which seems like more of a gamble than anything else. It seems to go up and down faster than a whore’s unmentionables. When I first arrived in Taiwan, the only thing I could find on the free-to-air TV channels were Hong Kong movies about gambling. Poker and mahjong seemed to be a very common theme on Taiwanese television. I assumed that illegal gambling joints must be around every corner. Hell, they might be. I don’t get out that much. Anyway, let’s get vicey and find out the best ways to splash a wad of cash in the hope of making a bigger wad of cash!

Lotto

Oh, good lord. This is surely the realm of the truly desperate. What are the chances of winning this one? Buying a lotto ticket is almost like a secondary income tax for those who failed 2nd grade math. You are statistically more likely to get hit by lightning or of being involved in an airplane crash than winning this. (I was going to make a crack about China Airlines at this point, but it just seems too easy. So I won’t.) The truly strange aspect of this phenomenon is the queues of people when there is a jackpot. Exactly how is 7 kajillion dollars going to make your life better than 3 kajillion dollars would? Would three kajillion not give you the level of comfort you require in your new found luxury? This is NOT gambling. This IS donating your hard earned cash to some lucky sod who will probably blow it on something dull like investing in real estate.

Casinos

Legal casinos are illegal in Taiwan, but the latest plan is to turn the Penghu archipelago into a gambling Mecca like Vegas or Macau. Clearly, the people who came up with this idea have never been to Vegas or Macau. I’ve never been to Vegas but have been to Macau twice, each time vowing never to return. Macau is a truly terrible place. This Vegas wannabe has about as much class as a female jelly wrestler from Ue Li. Wait, I think I just did a disservice to female jelly wrestlers from Ue Li. Auntie Chen, I apologize. Macau is filled with gaudy hotel-cum-casinos, Chinese tourists spitting everywhere and neon lights, under the ruse of 'European culture' that the Portuguese supposedly left behind. Let me tell ya; the Portuguese didn’t leave shit behind. I do like to gamble in a casino but will not stoop to such levels of crass to do so. Please Mr. Ma, do not do it! Don’t trash Penghu. And anyway, as Jack Yelton (who?) once said, “There is a very easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune: go there with a large one.”

Sports Betting

Now this could be kind of fun. Placing a bet on a team you love and then watching the game with the added excitement of potentially winning some loot off the back of said team. This is great. But how exactly do you make some loot when your team is shite? And how do you bring yourself to bet against the team you’ve been supporting for years? I guess with some practice you could train yourself to bet with your head and not your mind. In hindsight, I wonder if sports betting was available for the recent Kaohshing World Games. Surely only a flutter on such events as, the three person aerobics, the fin swim, the tug of war, or petanque could make them bearable to watch. Perhaps some of these events would be more entertaining if they were combined (and then the games could have finished up in a single afternoon, saving us further drudgery). The tug of war while wearing fins? Awesome! Petanque while wakeboarding? Also good fun. Or artistic roller skating combined with power lifting? A sure winner. I think I am getting sidetracked. What were we talking about?

Mahjong

Of course! How could I forget this? The Taiwanese tradition of inviting extended family over with the sole purpose of fleecing them of the money they were probably going to put in your son’s Chinese New Year red envelope. If only you could put more than one mahjong table in your house, then the Mrs could busy herself fleecing her side of the family, and you fleece yours! Early retirement here we come!

Texas Hold ‘Em Poker

This seems to be quickly catching on a little bit in Taiwan, but certainly not to the extent that it has worldwide. The Irish have had the World Strip Poker championships (world’s bestest spectator sport ever!), Jason Alexander shows up on TV playing in the World Series of Poker, it’s all on. A small group of foreigners have been known to get together occasionally for a game here in Hualien. Does the one table rule apply to poker too? Who knows? But I do know this is a great way to share your money with your friends.

I guess in times of economic uncertainty gambling is not to be encouraged. But, it’s fun. So go do it! But Ryan, try not to lose my annual Chinese New Year red envelope money to your six year old niece betting on the Blue Jays like you did last year. Jerk.